Morning After The Tower

I was walking past a castle built somewhere nearby. I saw friends and couples walking together. But the moment I felt I needed that exact same thing... in that exact moment, the fear kicked in.

I remembered my ruins. The ruins of my castle. A sandcastle. Even though it was just a sandcastle, it felt as if I had lost myself. I lost something that was the only thing I owned in this new, different world.

When I thought about it, I realised that in the previous year, when I was trying to build things - even though it was a platonic thing - when I tried to build it, I hoped for everything to be perfect, positive. And the castle... I thought it was platonic, yet I believed it was a strong, concrete castle.

But it was ruined. Because I kept on doing too much. I kept on trying to secure things. Making the other person work less and wanting to take all the burdens, and then complaining about those burdens. But the fact was, the other person was also not doing well. And I didn't want to stop because I had to make a beautiful castle.

But the moment I realised that... the idea of doing it was the biggest mistake. It was the exact time I decided to leave the castle and go back to the wilds. And the moment I left the castle, it was ruined. It shattered so badly that all its remains were gone, as if the castle never existed.

And now... When the year started, I was hoping and believing that I would build a new castle. But this time, a real castle. The castle that I was not wishing for as a platonic thing, but more than just platonic - a romantic thing.

And this time, I wanted to make the castle not by sand, but by brick, brick by brick, so that it won't fall. I want a castle not because I want to live alone there, but to cherish a beautiful family. The family that we all deserve and makes us feel we belong.

Like, when I wake up in the morning in that castle, I could say: "There is someone who was waiting for me, for my eyes to open." Either it could be my better half, or our children.

I know it's too early to say when we don't have a foundation yet. But just so... before the building begins, we have to make a blueprint too, isn't it? So I think, probably, I'm making him one.

And hopefully, I can recover from the ruins and accept the fact that it was not their mistake, nor my mistake. It was a mistake of not being able to communicate, not being able to see each other where we were, and importantly, trying to be perfect.

In fact, there isn't anything perfect in this world. Even art which is unfinished and imperfect is considered the nicer art, the elegant kind.

So why can't a relationship be? Or why can't a castle?